Try This If You're Tired Of Comparing Yourself To Others.
You'll Find Better Answers 'In Here'
I talk with people who frequently compare themselves to others and it made me wonder. Why?
We all know that everybody is different, and therefore every situation is different, the dynamics between people differ, and what works for Joe may not work for Sally and vice versa. So, from a practical standpoint, you wouldn’t base an important business decision or take a new job based on faulty data, so why compare?
People visit the graveyard of self-comparison (because that’s where personal identity goes to die) when they’re unsure. When they don’t know enough about themselves they seek outside resources in the form of other people’s opinions, behaviors, contributions, achievements, apparel, the list goes on. Basically, they look to other people to better understand themselves.
By comparing ourselves to others, you are essentially asking the world to tell you who you are because you don’t know it yourself.
The only problem is, it’s a skewed measuring stick. Like a trick ruler that only as 12” markings alongside, self-comparison produces a false metric because the lens through which you see the ruler is tainted with jealousy, insecurity, self-doubt, anxiety, or whatever flavor emotion-of-the-day you’re vibing. By comparing ourselves to others we forego our own capacity to self-rescue, because we trust there are better answers “out there” than what we have “in here.” But it’s a trap. It’s a flawed metric. The truth is, you’ll never measure up because you’re looking in the wrong place from the wrong vantage point. An island is no longer an island if you look at it from land.
Of course, self-comparison can be a helpful way to build empathy, find inspiration, and practice gratitude. However, it’s when you use contrast to form your sense of self that social comparison becomes toxic.
The question now becomes, how do you stop comparing? The answer is, by learning. By getting to know yourself. Learning more about yourself than you ever considered. This is how you stop living other people’s conceptions of you and start living your own.
There’s also a here-and-now factor to learning. When you’re learning something new—like, really enmeshed in it—you can’t be anywhere else. You must be present to learn because there is no learning without presence. Moreover, the learning I’m referring to isn’t just at the intellectual level. Knowing yourself at the intellectual level isn’t enough, you need to know yourself at the experiential level, as well. This is where you learn the truth about your actual being, because this is the level of matter.
Did I lose you? I know this is a bit deep. Stick with me.
Learning about yourself at the experiential level also reveals a fundamental truth about all felt sensations: they come; they go. This is the law of impermanence. Why is this important? Because you can use felt sensation—and the pain associated with it—to strengthen the mind.
Whenever I sit down to meditate, my brain wants to find every reason not to do it. It wants to find a scratch on my head that isn’t there, shuffle my butt in the seat to get just the right amount of cheek-to-seat ratio so I’m comfy (at least, for the moment), straighten my back…again, and again, again…
Well, I got news for you. There is NO sitting position that won’t require repositioning. None. That’s just the nature of sitting because that’s the nature of impermanence. Good sensations (i.e., comfort) come, they go; bad sensations (i.e., stiffness, soreness) come, they go.
Use this to learn about yourself. Learn how long it takes until you start needing to move, and then learn how your mind responds when you refuse to let it.
Learn what posture works—for now—and then learn the exact instance your mind wants to find a new one and what story you tell yourself.
Questions To Stimulate Learning
Below are questions to ponder. But remember, questions stimulate the mind, they do not bring you to the experiential level. You can use these questions to think about how you might make them experiential. You could also treat them as writing or journal prompts, inspiration for more questions, or however you like. Whatever, just use them as a springboard for something because reading alone isn’t enough.
Do you know where in your body you keep anger? Guilt? Jealousy? Joy? What do those places feel like? What causes your breath to change? What instigates your control patterns and where in childhood did they came from? What is your attachment style and how does it impact your personal and professional relationships?
Do you know what motivates you to push farther, or what excuses you tell yourself when you don’t? Do they (the excuses) repeat themselves in other facets of life? What have you done to address them? Do you even care to stop making excuses? Why or why not?
Do you know the circumstances that have defined your resilience, or the easy outs in life that have tainted it?
Do you know why you sometimes compare yourself to others and other times you don’t? Or why that chronic back pain or sore neck may not be injuries at all but unprocessed emotion?
If you were to close your eyes, can you feel every part of your body—your forehead, upper lip, elbows, pinky toes, etc…? Everything living thing has a sensation, so if you can’t feel a part of your body, give it time. You might also ask yourself how (dis)connected you are to the body.
This is knowing yourself, and it takes time. It takes a dedicated focus, patience, and courage because this journey will undoubtedly stir up unwanted emotion. Good. What do you learn about yourself from avoiding it? What feelings are you avoiding? Where did you learn to ignore reality?
There are all kinds of activities you can do to foster learning on a deeper level but, ironically, the best way to experience experience is through stillness. Letting the mind settle.
Activities like yoga, meditation, or breathwork are great to get to know the body—and that’s really what we’re talking about here. Why? Because the body keeps the score. We spend so much time in our heads that we forget the connection between the two.
And if any of the above activities are things you don’t want to do, good. Do it anyway. Nothing good ever comes from taking the easy way out—and that includes learning.