Shatter Your Inner Critic By Understanding Your Beliefs

If you understand your beliefs, you understand everything associated with them.

My son discovered how to destroy a belief that was holding him back.

We were in the car and I asked him about school, so he told me about a recent math test he took that he didn’t feel he did well on.

“Let me ask you this. If you were given the test to complete at home, could you do it?”
“Yes, I know the material.”

“Ok, so the problem isn’t knowledge-based, it’s stress-related.”

“Yes. If I didn’t feel so nervous when taking the test I could definitely do better,” he said.

At this point, what I wanted to say was, “just change your beliefs about stress” but that would’ve been in one ear and out the other. Instead, I wanted to first see if he’d be interested in learning about changing beliefs, and if he was, then I’d share a personal story with him.

“You know,” I began, “I didn’t learn to change my beliefs about test taking until I was in college. But when I did, I never felt test anxiety again and it has lasted me to this day.”

“Really?!” His eyes were as big as saucers at this point. “How’d you do that?!”

The Backstory of Changing Belief

When I was in college, I knew I wanted to be a Navy SEAL.

Basic Underwater Demolition/ SEAL Training (BUD/S) training maintains approximately an 80% attrition rate. Based on what I knew about BUD/S, I could run, swim, and do calisthenics all I wanted but if I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to endure, well, I wasn’t going to last.

Part of me knew that I’d accumulate mental fortitude as a byproduct of the workouts I put myself through. At first, my aim was just to complete those ridiculous workouts. I’d run a four-mile loop and end at the pool so I could swim two miles before running another four-mile loop.

It was draining. It was exhausting. I was physically and mentally depleted for the rest of the day (because I did this in the morning as another mental test for myself) but I still had homework to do.

And then it hit me.

I was mentally drained, mentally exhausted, and mentally depleted. I could use this.

 “What if I could train my mind to the point that after I finish a grueling workout I could also think clearly?”

Then I took it a step further…

“What if I could finish those workouts and think clearly under the stress of an exam?”

Based on what I knew about SEALs, I needed to able to think clearly under pressure. I now had a reason to change my beliefs surrounding test-taking.

If I could change how I conceptualized test-taking from a negative that caused anxiety to a positive that built resilience in support of my goal to be a SEAL, then I could give myself a newfound superpower.

And that’s exactly what I did.

The Thought – Emotion – Behavior Loop

I told my son that the problem wasn’t the exam but the beliefs about the exam that were causing him stress.

In therapy, this is known as the Activating event (A). The activating event is what instigates positive or negative thoughts or feelings. For my son, just thinking of taking an exam created a Consequence (C) that releases cortisol, tells his sweat glands to secrete, and elevates his heart rate. The consequence can also result in the silent warrior showing his ugly face, which leads to self-guessing, insecurity, despair, or even hopelessness.

To change the consequence, my son needed to examine the beliefs he held about test taking. An example of a limited belief might be attributing the final grade of the exam to himself as a person. In other words, “if I get an F, then I’m a failure.”

What he realized was that the problem wasn’t the test but rather his beliefs about the test. By changing his beliefs, he could change how he showed up mentally and emotionally for the test.

How do you do that? One way is by disputing beliefs. You see, people often think that it’s the event or the “thing” that compels them to feel a certain way, when in reality, it’s their belief about the thing.

Why? Because belief is a bridge toward being. You can’t be a certain way without a belief underpinning it.

(Note: Check out this great article from Benjamin Davis on why we prioritize being over doing).

You can’t be happy in a relationship, for instance, if you still believe you’re unworthy of happiness.

You can’t be relieved (i.e. feel relief) from a responsibility if you still believe you should’ve done it.

You can’t be a different person if you still believe in aspects of your old self.

Now, changing your beliefs isn’t that easy. You don’t just flip a switch and end the cycle of beliefs that have perpetuated for so long. It takes a commitment to change, constant awareness (self-monitoring), and consistency of effort.

There are several ways to dispute your beliefs after having identified them as irrational. Here are five:

Reframe.  This is shifting your thinking from “test taking creates stress” to “test taking builds strength.”

Replace. Replace an absolute with an indeterminant. For example, telling myself “I’m not good at playing guitar” indicates I’m not the type of person who’s ever capable of playing guitar. But replacing that thought with “I haven’t learned guitar yet” suggests I have the aptitude for it and it’s under development.

Referenting. Do a cost benefit analysis of your beliefs. Write out the advantages and disadvantages of your thinking and consider the impacts they have on you, your emotions, your actions, and others.

Semantic redefinition. Also known as speaking in the affirmative, an easy way to think about this is to avoid contractions. Words that end in “n’t” such as “can’t,” “won’t,” “shouldn’t” all focus on the negative because they focus on what isn’t rather than what is. By changing what you tell your brain to search for, you also change how it searches.

Consider the guitar example. I can either tell myself “I don’t know how to play guitar” or “I am learning guitar.” Using enough of the former—the negative version—compounds negative energy in one’s life and I can't think of anyone who needs more negative energy. The takeaway: focus on what you do want, not what you don’t.

Apply this concept to everything in your life (remember, consistency).

The biggest benefit here is the habit of thinking that your brain develop. If you’re constantly looking for what you do want rather than what you don’t, what you’re telling your brain to look for is the right thing.

Doing creates momentum. Momentum is energy. By speaking in the affirmative you create positive energy, because that energy is moving forward (hence momentum). Every time you use a contraction, you stifle positive energy.

Labeling. When you label an emotion, you’re essentially short-circuiting the intensity of it to reduce its power so you can feel more empowered by your own choices rather than driven by your emotions. Over time, the intensity diminishes, and the activating event becomes less “activating.”

Here’s an example. Researchers in one study recruited people who were scared of spiders and assigned them into one of four groups:

Group 1: Told to label the emotion they felt about the spider

Group 2: Were told to reframe how they thought about the spider

Group 3: Were distracted from their anxiety

Group 4: Control group (no instructions)

To make it even more interesting, participants returned for a subsequent session so researchers could gauge the long-term effects of the technique they used on the participants’ ability to self-regulate.

The results: those participants who labeled their emotions not only had a lower physiological response (I.e., they were less sweaty) but also fewer total responses in both the short and long terms.

Gaining greater emotional clarity about an emotion reduces the physiological manifestation of that emotion.

Examining your beliefs is a powerful way to choose how you show up in the world—for others, for yourself. By understanding your relationship with your thoughts, you can get to the root of what’s causing an issue.