PAT Interview #2: 'Psychedelics Helped Me Feel Love For The First Time'
This is the second article in a three-part series on the healing experiences of psychedelic medicines as shared through participant experiences. You can read the first one here.
For this article, I’m sharing the healing experience of a veteran who’s taken a variety of medicines. My purpose in doing so isn’t to sensationalize or to entertain with “wild” stories, but to highlight the healing power of these sacred medicines for the cynics out there. That’s right. Many people are still entrenched with the negative stigma of psychedelics spurred from the 60s. They think these medicines are addictive; that they make people jump off rooftops or become psychotic. The truth is they are anything but addictive and there are reasons why people have done such crazy things while under the influence: because they never should’ve been on them to begin with.
Psychedelics are not for everybody. You should not take them if you’re on certain medications (i.e., SSRIs, blood pressure, heart medication, for starters) or if you’ve been diagnosed with mental illness. There are outliers but that’s the subject for another time.
I have many friends who’ve take these medications, so finding an interviewee was not difficult. To protect the identity of today’s interviewee, I’ll just refer to him as “Will” for his willingness to share his experience.
Jeff: Hey Will, thanks for doing this. Tell us a little about your background and what compelled you to do this interview.
Will: I was Army Special Forces for 22 years with most of it at a national mission unit level. As you well know, we experienced a lot of great and not-so-great things, and I have a couple reasons for doing this interview. First, I have a lot to say, and I think not sharing would be doing a disservice for those who need to hear it. It’s important to get the word out there that these are healing modalities, unlike anything I’ve ever personally experienced before. These medicines work, and they work in a very short amount of time. Actually, let me caveat that by saying they work for most people. For some people they do not—and still others they should not—but we can get into that later.
Anyway, I want to share my story but need to manage the risk of [identity] exposure, so that’s why I’m doing it anonymously. My hope is that someone reading this will get something out of it and either consider the medicine or support those who do.
J: That’s awesome, good for you. I’d like to start from the beginning. What led you down this path?
W: I found this path because the path that I was on wasn’t working. Strange that drinking three glasses of whiskey every night doesn’t actually help, huh? (joke) Anyway, after I left the military, I started consulting for companies conducting security assessments. Basically, I would look at their security and poke holes in it. It was only me and my plate was full, as you can imagine. It went well for a few years until it started to dry up. I then found myself under an inordinate amount of stress because my paycheck was flailing, I needed to pay my rent, and I couldn't do it. The worst part was I didn’t know what else to do. My entire identity was wrapped up in being SF, and even that was waning because I was no longer active duty. I didn't even know what my other interests were, or if I even had any. I asked my therapist one time to help me find what I liked—like, things to do for fun—because I really didn’t know. I was just indifferent about everything. I didn’t know myself and I didn’t know what I liked, what I wanted, what direction I was heading, and I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. So, I had a meltdown. A complete and utter meltdown. I had a panic attack that brought me to my knees one day in my kitchen. That’s when I called a friend of mine who had recently returned from doing psychedelics for similar reasons. I asked him to put me in touch with the doctor who administered them, and he did. That was really hard, quite frankly, because that was the first time I had ever asked anyone for help for me. My entire life, my whole career, everything we did was for the man next to us or for the mission, but never for oneself. We just learned to shut ourselves down in SF and ignore what our bodies were telling us. Well, the body keeps the score, right? And I was facing a shutout. In my situation, the score was Body: 10,000, Will: 0. I needed to get some points on the board for Will.
J: Wow. So what happened next?
W: I ended up flying to a safe place the following month to do an ibogaine and 5MeO-DMT protocol. Now, I had never done any psychedelics before. Ever. And here I am about to embark on a journey starting with the two strongest psychedelics on earth. I had no idea what I was getting into. But then again, you never do. Nobody could possibly comprehend what such an experience is like, and you certainly can’t put it into words for anyone.
Anyway, I did ibogaine on Friday and…nothing. I got NOTHING out of it except a headache. It was very disappointing, honestly. My body did feel like it got hit by a truck all day Saturday though, and I later realized that the medicine gave me what I needed, just not what I wanted. That’s how these medicines work. I may not have experienced any hallucinogenic affect, but the medicine was in my body. Then on Sunday we—it was just another SF guy and myself—did 5MeO-DMT and, wow! That really opened me up.
J: Can you tell us about it?
W: Well, I was crying, coughing, and throwing up all the bad shit that had been buried in my body for so long—well before the military. This lasted about 25 minutes and when I finally got up, I not only felt lighter, but I could actually feel love for the first time. Intimate love. I was 40 years old and had never felt love before. Psychedelics helped me feel love for the very first time. It was something I squandered down into one of my many emotional compartments, along with all other emotions. What 5MeO-DMT does is allow you to let go, and that’s exactly what I did. I let go of a lot of shit that was weighing me down, stuff I didn’t even know I was doing. The doctor and therapist said not to make any big life decisions afterward because my emotions were like a rollercoaster. I said, “Yup, got it. Will do.” So, me being me, I went home and quit my job so I could be home with my family more. My intent was to take some time off to get my head together and let next steps naturally unfold.
J: Ha! So much for listening to the doctor’s orders.
W: When you know, you know. I didn’t need to wait to come back down, I already knew. The medicine just helped me get there sooner; it removed all the blockages I had so I could feel. Plus, isn’t that the reason people do these journeys, to instigate personal change? If that’s the case, then why wait? Having been in this space for about eight years now, I’m a big advocate for making those big adjustments early, when you’re riding high (no pun intended) and the iron is hot. Keep that iron hot, keep striking. That’s how positive change unfolds, and I can’t think of a better time to do it than when your brain’s neuroplasticity is so ripe.
J: Makes sense to me. So, you went home, quit your job, and then what?
W: So, the main reason I sought out psychedelic meds was because I wasn’t being the person I knew myself to be, but I also didn’t know how to stop being the person I had become. What my wife didn’t know was that for the longest time, I was a sex addict. I justified my actions by telling myself things like, “I killed so many people on every deployment” and “well, it could be worse. At least she’s alive.” I later realized, during another medicine journey, that my compulsion for sex came from a place of shame—of not feeling good enough about myself as a person—and the source of that came from my childhood. In fact, in yet another medicine journey, I realized that shame was the subconscious driver for me joining SF. Anyway, I got home, things were great, but I wasn’t done. I knew I had more work to do because my addiction was still there, just not as intense.
J: Wait, I want to hear this but before we do, what did you mean about shame?
W: My therapist told me that shame is a childhood wound that we learn from parents whose love was conditional, or who pushed us into doing things out of their own fear of their son or daughter not living up to their idea of what a man or woman should be. These are parents who criticized their kids’ every move, like their body, their appearance, their schoolwork; who dismissed their interests, or just simply never validated how they felt. By doing that, the kid learns to not trust themselves. They learn they’re not good enough because mommy or daddy never acknowledged who they were or what they wanted. This is why overachievers typically have a shame wound, because they never feel good enough.
J: What did you mean conditional love from parents? I mean I get that not all parents are created equal, but could you elaborate a little more?
W: Sure. I can only speak for myself, so take it for what it’s worth. My dad left when I was young, so I never really got to know him. I was mainly raised by my mom, and I remember feeling how some things attracted her attention while other things didn’t. Anything having to do with schooling and academics, she was all over, but anything outside that realm and she just had zero interest. But the thing is, as a parent you don’t pick and choose the activities of your son or daughter that you like because it’s not about you; you choose your son or daughter first and then whatever activities they’re into you support that. It was the opposite with my mom, and so I never felt like she accepted me as a young man growing up. So, that, coupled with the abandonment I felt from my dad just kind of created a well of negative emotion. This, I later learned during another 5MeO-DMT journey, was what made me want to go to West Point and join SF—to show her that I am capable of more than just getting good grades and to learn from other highly driven men how to be a man, because I never did from my dad.
J: Wow, that’s powerful. What’s it like to have this kind of awareness looking back?
W: It’s invaluable. I don’t hold any grudges toward my parents at all. In fact, I’m extremely grateful for them because I wouldn’t be where I am or accomplished what I have without them—their good and their bad. It just took a lot of work to undo their doings. But, like I said, they helped shape who I am, and now I have the lessons of both—of what I call pre-trauma and post-trauma, or healing, paths.
J: Okay, let’s get back to after your first medicine journey. You were talking about sex addiction.
W: Yeah. It’s very common in SF, my therapist said—not like that makes it ok, I’m just sayin’. It’s a common escape in the community. Anyway, I cheated on my wife once more after I got back from my first treatment and felt disgusted with myself. Just horrible. I called my therapist that day and said I needed to come back. So, I went back a second time and did a different modality this time. I did psilocybin and MDMA together—like, a mega shit ton of both. Dude, I was in Never, Never Land for about 12 hours, just traveling through my own psyche. I guess the best way to describe it was being able to see my whole life, from conception to the present moment, with the ability to zoom into any moment I wanted to understand why that moment happened and get clarity. It was incredible. I learned so much! I understood why my son chose me as a father and discovered I had another son in the making, he just wasn’t born yet.
J: Wait. What?
W: This sounds crazy, I know, but some people believe psychedelics to open portals into areas of consciousness that the conscious mind can’t access. I remember seeing a little boy on the other side of what looked like a plasma membrane, and hearing this kid’s voice asking me, “Daddy, why won’t you let me out?” That was when I knew I had another son, he was just waiting for me to accept him.
J: Whoa. What happened then?
W: Well, now I have two boys, and the second one looks exactly like the child who showed up in my experience. Crazy, huh?
J: Yeah, that’s crazy. Does that happen for everybody, right? Is the medicine prophetic like that?
W: It can be for some, but it just depends. You get what you need from the medicine, that’s the thing. I got everything I needed from that experience because I never so much as looked at another woman afterward. The old me who was cheating on my wife, that guy is gone. Long gone. I’ve never even had a thought of doing it since.
J: Wow. That’s awesome.
W: It really is. And I know a lot of guys who would probably shrug off sex addiction as, “Well, that’s just part of being a dude.” No, it’s not. It’s an addiction, just like alcohol, cocaine, gambling, porn—anything that gives you an escape from whatever it is you’re running from and tears you away from your authentic self. For me, I was running from myself because I didn’t know myself; I was avoiding the discomfort of being the Me I had become. I didn’t have any close relationships because I never let anybody in, and so I did the next best thing to bridge the gap of connection that every human needs: I manufactured it.
J: That makes sense. My hat’s off to your wife.
W: Yeah, I could do a separate interview just on her. She’s amazing. Like, truly amazing. The thing about the medicine is that it doesn’t just heal you, it heals other people around you. My wife would’ve gone back into her old relationship patterns, because she had been married before. She divorced her first husband for cheating on her. So she knew she had to do some hard work and fight for a relationship she believed in, she later told me. If she didn’t, she’d probably still be dating or married to someone she hates, repeating the same pattern. That’s how life works.
J: You know, there’s a lot of science behind what you just said with attachment theory. That’s why one person is always attracted to the “bad boy” or the “drama queen”—their insecure attachment feeds off the insecurity of others to make them feel whole, but it’s a false wall, so to speak. The bottom falls out because they’re chasing unicorns. I won’t bore you with the details, but it sounds like your wife realized that about herself and chose to stay and fix it instead of flee.
W: Yup, exactly. She’s a strong woman. More so than she even realized.
J: Well, I know this is only the tip of the iceberg with your experience. What do you want the audience to know before we go?
W: I guess I want them to know that these medicines are not a panacea. Just look at my first journey. I still had more to do after that—but not just medicine. Real work. What I mean is these medicines are a catalyst for change and personal growth but they’re not the answer; they’re not what will ultimately resolve your issue. That’s up to you. The answer is in the daily work that you do to prevent backsliding, that’s how you create long-lasting change. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat on my wife again, but I never so much as entertained it. It was simply saying “no” and being comfortable with the fact that I was enough, and not needing external validation to prove it. The dirty little secret about all these medicines is that it doesn’t tell you anything you don’t already know, it just tells you in a way that will scare the hell out of you if you don’t change.
Also, these medicines are life changing—at least they were for me. If I hadn’t done this stuff, I would’ve never known what love is or even had another son. I know some of my friends are worried that the medicine will somehow change them for the worse, that they’ll lose their drive or what has made them successful. But the truth is that’s the exact opposite of what typically happens. These medicines don’t change who you are, they just make you a better version of who you are already.
J: Well, put. Thanks for sharing all that, Will.
W: Thank you.
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