Judgment Is The Obstacle Between You And Joy
"You should judge more," said nobody ever.
In another article I mentioned a recent retreat for first responders that I was fortunate enough to help support. One of the participants wanted to develop more compassion for himself and for others. Unbeknownst to “Carl,” it wasn’t that he lacked compassion. Hell, every time a dog approached him he was eager to pet it. When other participants shared their stories, “Carl” had tears in his eyes, empathizing with them. It wasn’t a lack of compassion that was in “Carl’s” way, it was his own judgment about the type of man he should be.
Judging sabotages our ability to feel because it occurs in the mind whereas compassion occurs in the heart. Since most people are in their heads more than their bodies, it’s much easier to make a negative judgment about someone or something you don’t like than it is to feel the discomfort associated with that person or that thing. This is what psychological control patterns do (see below).
Aspects we don’t like about other people are aspects we’re unwilling to accept about ourselves based on our own upbringing and worldly experiences. After all, we learn life’s boundaries through our parents, peers, and others’ failures.
We judge the morality and justice of others’ actions based on our own values, beliefs, worldviews, and experiences. And then we self-righteously assume that if so-and-so were to adopt what we believe to be right and equitable, then everybody would be better off.
What a load of crap.
Judgment is a third wheel in the dance of life. If you imagine a couple dancing—you as one and life as the other (who’s leading I have no idea and that is WAY to deep to ponder right now)—then judgment is a third body sandwiched right in between. It’s awkward, it gets in the way of seeing life for what it is and experiencing the joy that comes with it, and it steps on both people’s toes (kind of like how I dance).
How often do you just sit on your own or with your family and not…do…anything? There’s no struggle to stay busy, you’re not trying to read ALL of the internet on your phone or aimlessly scroll Instagram with nothing to show for it except three seconds of amusement per post—amusement that comes and goes. But of course the dilemma is: if we don’t stay busy, then we must be unproductive. And who wants that, right?
The problem with judgment is that it’s a barrier to joy.
Nobody “needs” anything to be happy. We don’t need our judgments fulfilled, we don’t need to be busy all the time, and we don’t need other people to satisfy our definition of what “right” looks like. Happiness rests solely, squarely, on the shoulders of the person searching for it. Maybe once they stop searching they’ll realize it never left.
The root cause of judgment is fear. Like other psychological control patterns, we judge to keep ourselves safe, to shield us from feeling unworthy, insecure, or unwanted. To judge is to self-protect. Unfortunately, it happens from inside our own prison that we create. Whenever we judge, our world shrinks just a little bit more, our vibration lowers, and we become less of who we’re capable of being.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not perfect and I often find myself judging, too. It’s very—VERY—hard not to in today’s 24/7 news cycle that ONLY seems to report stories designed to serve their network ratings rather than anything helpful (see the judgment?). The goal isn’t to suddenly stop judging, although that would be ideal if you could. Rather, the goal is to notice when you do and then bring your heart and mind back to neutral. Meditation will help with this. One study on mindfulness meditation found that just 15 minutes a day for seven days improved emotional processing, which includes emotion intensity. Meditation helps you amplify the space between stimulus and response so you can choose how to respond rather than simply react.
I can’t think of any helping professional—a counselor, psychologist, life coach, doctor, or nurse—who would recommend more judgment in one’s life. Judgment prohibits forgiveness. It inhibits compassion. Without judgment, our experiences are seen for what they are: impermanent sensations that come and go. Freeing ourselves of judgment is to free the silent warrior killing your mental health.
By letting go of judgment, we also let go of the self-induced stress we create for ourselves—typically the result of unrealistic expectations. We open ourselves to the opportunity of experience rather than narrowly confine ourselves to it.
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