If You’ve Lacked Self-Esteem, Substitute It With This.

For much of my SEAL career, I felt like an imposter. Being surrounded by the crème de la crème of the special operations community does wonderful things for one’s self-confidence, but self-esteem was sometimes fleeting.

What’s the difference, you ask? Self-esteem is about self-love and how you value yourself; how you evaluate your attributes and the positive or negative value associated with those attributes. This is why comparing yourself to others is so detrimental to mental health: you never know the backstory on what makes someone so good at their craft. On the other hand, self-confidence is about your feeling of control in different areas of life. Boosting self-confidence is straightforward: increase your perception of control, increase your self-confidence. Increasing self-esteem, however, is a little more complicated.

Think of it this way. Self-confidence is visible (you can see it in others), self-esteem is not.

For example, when I got into public speaking years ago, I was terrified. I didn’t think I was any good at it and worried how I’d be received. But my self-confidence was so high that I knew I could overcome anything—ANYTHING—despite the fear. I also knew of a little trick to bolster my self-confidence: fake it.

That's right. If you ever feel like you’re lacking confidence in something, think of somebody you admire who has the confidence you want and role model them (of course, they may be doing the same thing but who cares?).

Anyway, I ended up having a speaker page at the Harry Walker Agency, a prestigious speaker agency that houses names like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton, Tom Brady and…Jeff Boss (Who? Exactly.)

Self-esteem can fluctuate from one situation to the next because if I don’t value myself as a speaker, for instance, then I’m not going to feel good about myself on stage. However, if I believe I have the skill and aptitude to deliver a great speech, then my self-confidence is all that matters. That’s why fostering belief is so important.

The reason I share this is because, much like the trick of role modeling I described earlier, if you ever feel like you want more self-esteem but can’t find it, stop chasing it. Replace it with something else instead…